Pet Names
by oflettersandwords
Summary: Sirius doesn't see the problem with pet names. Oneshot. Rated T for swearing.


The students of Hogwarts had been back from Christmas hols for two weeks and were finally settling back into the typical rut of daily school life, as evidenced by the argument going on in the Sixth Year boys' dormitory.

"STOP BLOODY CALLING ME THAT."

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "What's wrong with 'babycakes'?"

Remus sighed and Peter groaned, ducking his head into the textbook that was balanced on his lap.

"What's wrong with it?" James repeated, dropping his own textbook and getting to his feet. "Everything is wrong with it!"

"Moony," Peter said loudly, lifting his head back up, "What are the brewing instructions for Draught of Living Death."

"That's a bollocks answer," Sirius said, "What, specifically, is so wrong with 'babycakes' that you throw a fit whenever I call you it?"

James opened his mouth to begin spouting out what, exactly, was so wrong with being called 'babycakes' while Remus answered Peter, nearly shouting. "Add the Infusion of Wormwood, then the powdered root of asphodel, and then stir twice clockwise. Add the sloth brain and Sopophorous bean's juice. Stir seven times counterclockwise!"

"And to top it all off, it's bloody unmanly!" James yelled while whirling around, having managed to pace across the room several times during his tirade.

Peter shouted "correct" to Remus before shutting his textbook shut with a snap. "I don't think we're going to get any more studying done with these two." Remus nodded and they turned their attention to Sirius, who was getting to his feet.

"What is unmanly about being called 'babycakes'? It should be a testament to your manliness that you're comfortable with being called pet names by your best mate," Sirius said, gesturing enthusiastically.

James threw up his hands and groaned, while Sirius crossed his arms and waited for a response.

"I'm not speaking to you!" James finally snapped, storming out of the dorm.

Sirius shrugged and collapsed onto his bed. "Git."

(_the next morning_)

James had managed to ignore Sirius for the rest of the night, spending his evening in the Common Room studying for their Potions exam that was to take place after lunch and coming up to the dorm after Sirius had gone to bed.

Sirius was not amused.

He found James' reaction to being called 'babycakes' absurd and exaggerated (which was saying something, as Sirius was aware that he was the dramatic one of the dorm) and he made it his personal mission to get James to talk to him before breakfast was over.

"Hey, Prongs." Sirius tried. "Prongs! James! Jaaaaaaaaaames." James continued to ignore Sirius, who became steadily more irritated. "This is ridiculous, James." James made a show of buttering his toast. "James Wilfred Potter."

James poured a glass of orange juice and Remus snorted.

Peter rolled his eyes and tried to diffuse the situation. "Padfoot, calling him by the wrong middle name probably isn't going to get him to answer you."

"Fine," Sirius said, glaring at James. "James, darling, I have a question about the next Quidditch match. I'm sure you're just dying to answer it. Right, honybuns?" Remus coughed to cover his laugh and Peter snickered into his glass. "Baby boy. Princess Potter. Sex kitten. Babycakes."

"Sirius, what the FUCK DO YOU WANT?" a red-faced James managed.

Remus and Peter finally broke into laughter and Sirius heard a few girls down the table snickering.

"Are you looking forward to the next match, sugar booger?"

Remus composed himself enough to mutter a quick, "Padfoot, don't instigate."

"What am I instigating, Moony?" Sirius asked. "I just wanted to ask lovebug-"

"I AM NOT YOUR LOVEBUG."

"Of course," Sirius said, waving a hand in James' direction. "I was just asking my Prongsie-poo if he was looking forward to the next Quidditch match."

James stood up and stomped out of the Great Hall while Sirius grinned at the remaining Marauders.

"He's speaking to me again," he said proudly. Peter burst back into laughed and Remus made a noise between a groan and a snort.

(_that evening in the sixth year girls' dorm_)

"I'm going to get back at Black," Lily said angrily, tucking her wand away and shoving her books into her bag.

Mary looked at Lily skeptically, trying to decide if it was worth it to begin an argument about Lily being much too vengeful and competitive. She decided to try a different angle. "How do you know that it wasn't Potter?"

"He already enchanted my books to tell me how much he fancies me last year," Lily explained. "He wouldn't try the same thing twice. Anyway, he hasn't done anything that ridiculous in a while – he's been sticking to things that draw less attention."

Mary sighed. "Do you really think it's best to get back at Black? What are you even going to do?"

"I'm going to embarrass him," Lily said matter-of-factly. "You know how he's always calling his mates those stupid pet names?" Mary nodded. "I'm going to start calling him pet names whenever I speak to him. His mates don't reciprocate, so I'm sure he's never realized how embarrassing it is to be called 'shnookums' in public."

Mary shook her head, but decided against bringing up the fact that Sirius Black was seemingly incapable of embarrassment. If his mates hadn't accomplished embarrassing him yet (something they often attempted) she doubted that Lily would be able to.

(_a week later_)

It was a typical morning at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. James was dozing lightly on his empty plate, glasses askew. Remus was eating and occasionally laughing as Sirius and Peter tried see who could stack the most toast on top of James' head before he woke up. Mary Macdonald was down the table with a few other girls, gossiping and eating. A group of Third Years sat near the top of the table, ignoring their food completely and were frantically scribbling, apparently having misheard the date that their Charms essays were due.

Having placed the piece of toast that caused the entire pile to tumble off of James' head, Sirius resorted to poking him repeatedly.

James groaned and sat up straight, shooting a bleary glare at Sirius.

"Sorry," Sirius said, completely unapologetic. "Want some orange juice, honeybunches?"

James made a noise between a groan and a sigh and punched Sirius half-heartedly as Lily approached the group. "Honeybunches isn't manly, Padfoot," he said lowly. Sirius rolled his eyes.

As Lily passed the group she smiled at Remus. "Morning, Lily," he called.

"Morning, Remus." She turned, grinning, to Sirius. "Morning, cuddleface."

Sirius paused for a moment before doing the human equivalent of wagging his tail (which looked very strange to onlookers) and smiled widely. "Hi, baby doll!"

Lily's smile faltered and she continued down the table to where Mary was giggling.

James turned to Sirius. "What the fuck was that about?"

"Haven't a clue," Sirius replied airily. "But, apparently, Evans doesn't mind pet names."

James spluttered indignantly while Sirius attended happily to his breakfast.

"That was weird," Peter said. Remus nodded his agreement.

(_down the table_)

"What the hell?" Lily asked once she was seated next to Mary.

Mary managed to control her giggles long enough to get out, "He called you baby doll!"

"I heard him!" Lily cried, swatting at Mary's arm. "He wasn't supposed to!"

"Apparently it's going to make more than a "cuddleface" to embarrass Sirius Black," Mary said, still laughing. Lily grumbled to herself while reaching for her plate.

(_during transfiguration the next day_)

The Marauders were seated near the back of the room waiting for McGonagall to arrive when Lily and Mary walked into the Transfiguration room.

Mary smiled at the boys and said hello and Peter called out a greeting in return. Lily frowned next to Mary, intent on ignoring the group until Sirius's voice reached her ears.

"Hi, cupcake! How're you today?"

Lily looked up to see Sirius grinning at her and managed a tight smile in return. "I'm fabulous, shnookums. How are you?"

"Spiffing!"

Mary coughed to cover a laugh, Remus and Peter exchanged a look, and James made a noise of indignation.

"Wonderful," Lily replied, grabbing onto Mary's arm and dragging her to their seats.

James turned to Sirius and opened his mouth several times before settling for just hitting Sirius' arm with his textbook.

(_that weekend on the way to the quidditch pitch_)

James and Sirius were on their way to the Quidditch Pitch when they passed Lily in the Entrance Hall.

"Hey, Evans," James said, smiling at her.

"Potter." She nodded at James. "Sugarplum."

Sirius mimicked her tone. "Gumdrop."

Lily quickened her pace to the Great Hall and pretended not to hear James' demands of "what the hell is that about?" from Sirius.

"She started it," Sirius said as he shrugged at James and began whistling happily.

James waited until they were out on the pitch to launch a Quaffle at Sirius' head.

(_a few days later outside of the defense against the dark arts classroom_)

Mary and Lily walked up to the Marauders, who were waiting outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Hi, love muffin!" Sirius exclaimed, upon seeing Lily.

Lily smirked. "Hello, snugglebutt. How are you?"

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but James beat him to it.

"Stop it! Stop calling each other those ridiculous names," he burst out, crossing his arms and looking at the two of them sternly.

The door to the classroom opened and James stomped toward it, leaving the rest of the group behind him.

"I think you guys finally broke him," Peter muttered, following after James.

Remus sighed. "We talked about this, Padfoot," he said, as if talking to a child. "We don't do things that we know will upset our friends. It's rude." He left for the classroom, Mary falling into step with him.

Sirius shrugged. "I wonder what their problem is, sugar lips."

"I have no idea, honey bunny," Lily replied.

(_that weekend in the common room_)

Lily was sat comfortably on a chair near the fire, talking to Mary when Sirius entered the Common Room. He grinned when he saw the girls and made his way over to them.

"Evening, Mary, how are you?"

Mary smiled. "I'm good. How are you, Sirius?"

"I'm fantastic." Sirius turned to Lily. "And you, pookie pie?"

"I'm absolutely amazing, my naughty monster," Lily replied, grinning at Sirius.

Sirius let out a loud laugh before saying a quick goodbye and bounding up the stairs to the boys' dorms.

Mary turned to Lily, a look of awe on her face. "Naughty monster?" she repeated.

Lily grinned, "I am so going to beat him at this pet name thing."

"When did it become a thing?" Mary asked.

Lily shrugged. "Dunno. But it did, and I'm going to win. I can come up with much more ridiculous pet names than her can."

"Like 'naughty monster'?" Mary asked, laughing.

(_meanwhile_)

James groaned and flopped back onto his bed. "Why does she like everyone except me? She even has that stupid pet name thing going on with Padfoot!"

Remus sighed and shared a look with Peter. "It's not as bad as it seems. She's just taking a little longer to warm up to you. To be fair, you did have a massive vendetta against her ex-best mate."

"Did not," James muttered. "He had a vendetta against me." Peter rolled his eyes. James spoke louder, pointedly ignoring Peter, "She gets on brilliantly with you, she's practically best mates with Wormtail, and her and Padfoot have _that stupid pet name thing_."

"Mate, she just handed me my quill when I dropped it in Transfiguration," Peter added, "It's not like we're getting married. And she's just doing that pet name thing with Padfoot because she doesn't want him to outwit her."

"I guess you're right, Pete," James said.

At that moment the door to the dorm burst open to reveal a grinning Sirius. "Hey, Prongs, Lily just called me naughty monster." He laughed. "Isn't that hilar- wait what are you doing, don't you dare tackle me, you angry wanker. SHIT, REMUS, HELP ME!"

* * *

**A/N:** I don't even know.


End file.
